Monthly Archives: March 2022

Losing Hope

Watch me paint this oil painting of a lighthouse near Tybee Island, GA in 1 minute (time lapse)

Well, the rental market has spiked out of control! The cheapest rent for the number of bedrooms we need, expanded to a wide area that would require a long commute, is $400 more per MONTH than we are currently paying. That’s nearly $5,000 USD extra we’ll have to pay this year in rent!!! And that’s IF we get the cheapest rent we’ve so far found, and those have already all sold out- already rented! So it goes up from there. There’s a house that would cost us over $1,000 more per month, so, over 12 grand for the year. No, no, no, that will sink us!

The property management of this house says that rents and home sales have gone crazy. There’s nothing they can do to help us, except honor their contract with the home owner and send us the vacate notice (because she wants to sell and cash in, which is understandable, but it means we are once again the LOSERS in this game of life, in which corrupt politics elevates some and crushes others. It feels like we are always the ones crushed! Do you feel the same?). So we’re being kicked out during this treasonous economic housing crisis, with only 2 months to find a place and move out. Except there’s no place to go and all of them will charge us way more than the rental house is worth.

Husband’s job offer is in this area (so we do not want to move yet again to another new state), but he won’t start until after his June graduation and assuming he passes his licensing exam (he will, but the exam testing dates haven’t even been posted yet so we don’t know how long the wait time will be for taking it, getting results back, and then getting the start date). It will be only a few months though, so I tried to find a 6 month lease option to cut down on the horrible rental costs (no) and then asked if an exception could be made. No such luck.

Well, I guess I better say goodnight. Tomorrow will be a better day. I will then be positive and willing to share something better than this. But, I think it’s good to allow myself to be human, and show you that my hope doesn’t come from an easy life. I am not privileged or special. I’m just a person who is sometimes lucky, and often not. My hope comes from faith that tomorrow will be better, and is deeply rooted in a love of God, goodness, happiness, nature, creativity, humor, the collective empathy of the best of humanity (like you!) and my family. Hope doesn’t come from circumstances or lineage. It comes from within.

I’m feeling better already. It will all work out, even if temporarily- it doesn’t. The fruit of the Spirit doesn’t come from earthly prosperity or the easy road. It comes from a faithful life. Of course during times of extreme grief (which I’ve experienced and you probably have as well), we cannot expect ourselves to feel hope at all times. And that’s normal. But when the crisis is the type in which we still have our spouse and children, food on the table, and the expectation of a better future (like this housing situation I’m in), we can muster through another bad year.

God bless you and keep you, and may His face shine upon you, this day and always. And if you can spare a moment to pray that our family find the right housing, I’ll be grateful.

First Day of Spring!

See this oil painting of a robin with a nest of eggs come to life in 2 minutes (time lapse)

How did you spend the day? I sang a few hymns with a virtual church who didn’t know I was there on the other side, standing with the congregation in my little space near the computer, singing every note. But, most of the day was spent organizing and packing for the unexpected move I’ve been telling you about.

It was in many ways cathartic to see our life represented in our possessions, and to let go of things that no longer represent us or who we want to be. Mostly, though, I feel weary of following the laser pointer to wherever this journey takes us next. I’m guessing many of you feel the same way, even though your life circumstances don’t involve the same struggles. All of us are being tossed around by the winds of global change and are feeling the burden of this chaos. For many, it is a time of grief, anger, disbelief, betrayal, resentment, hardship, and fear.

These are challenging days. May we rise to the best of who we are, and still find hope even when it’s difficult to do so. Seasons change, and spring is upon us. Stay strong, resilient, resourceful, and creative. God bless you and keep you, may His face shine upon you and give you peace. Happy first day of Spring!

30 Seconds

Watch me paint this tree in Ireland for 30 seconds

A lot can happen in 30 seconds. Here, through the magic of time lapse, this tree that I painted when we were living in a rural area of Ireland, gets some finishing details.

30 seconds can be the longest seconds of our lives when a baby is born with the cord wrapped around his neck and we’re waiting for him to breathe. That was how my son entered the world. Longest seconds of our lives. He was blue and lifeless. Then, he cried. Fear and impending grief turned to joy.

Life can change in an instant. 30 seconds is 30 instants. It’s a long time. So in that context, a full day is an eternity. Whenever I think I don’t have enough time, I try to remind myself of how time is our perception of it. When we are propelled by adrenaline, emotion, pressure, social energy, or other factors, suddenly we can pack a lot of activity into a short period of time. When we feel sluggish, discouraged, defeated, bored, or frustrated, we can drag our feet and make relatively simple chores seem like impossible burdens, missions we can’t possibly complete. We procrastinate and make excuses for why we can’t do what we really CAN.

I met all the taping goals today for the Easter show! Now I can turn my attention to the unexpected move we have to make in 2 months. It seems like an impossible task at the moment, but do I need a full minute? A lot can happen in just 30 seconds. In 30 seconds I can go from a resigned spirit to high energy. It’s really my choice. The pep talk I gave myself (and you) yesterday was similar to this one and it really helped! Some of you gave me great feedback and I was encouraged to stay the course (THANK YOU! <3 ). Now I can feel proud of what I accomplished today and I know that I can handle the challenges ahead.

Whatever you’re facing these days, I hope that my ongoing saga motivates you to join me in manifesting the outcome we want by powering through with full passion, energy, and hope. Obviously it will be difficult to maintain the full wattage of that power at all times, but if we think in terms of “30 seconds” we may be able to switch our mindset for just 30, and then 30 more… before we know it, the day is gone and we’ve done what we wanted to do!

Letting Go – Again

See angel releasing dove oil painting with real beach shells come alive in 2 minutes (time lapse)

I’ve used this same painting for a very similar blog post called “Letting Go”. In that post I said these wise words “We may not have control over time, and future events, but we always have a spiritual choice about how we respond to change.” Ha! I better take my own advice to heart, lest I be a hypocrite. The past couple of days I was in a sour sullen snit about the shocking news of learning that we have to move in about two months, when we intended to continue renting this house until after my husband’s graduation (he’d gone back to school after losing his job when the company he worked for moved out of the country, and he’s nearly done- graduates in June- but too late to get us out from under this predicament).

Today I pushed myself to start the taping of the Easter show even though that was the last thing I wanted to do, as I need to start packing! But I’d already committed to doing the show and had invested in it. Yesterday I finished making my dress and I finished the set design this afternoon. Taping has begun! The first segment is done- and it went much better than I thought it would. No matter what’s going on in our lives, we have to choose whether or not to let those temporary circumstances paralyze, discourage, or destroy our purpose. I could have canceled the show, but that would have been wrong.

Letting go of worry, anxiety, dread, fear, resentment, bitterness, despair, and anger is a perpetual experience. Life will never be perfect and if we allow our human condition to stop us from acting on our plans, we will leave things unsaid, inspirations never created, places never traveled, and destinies never reached. So, we must plow through and do the things our heart is stirred to do, even when we don’t feel like it. “Fake it ’till you make it” is real. Not only will we get to where we want to be if we keep doing it, regardless of how close to the bottom we are when we start, but we’ll also become joyful if we fake feeling joy.

Today’s work on the Easter show included dressing up in an outrageously festive gown and singing songs that are truly joyful. I may have started out faking the joy, but shortly after I forced myself to be joyful, I really was! I had a happy time today. I am glad I gave up my stubborn attitude and chose to let go.

My stressful circumstances will change, with or without my cooperative attitude. I can stomp my feet and tantrum my way through this ordeal, or I can aim for high energy to work at a smooth transition. I can look for positive serendipitous events that fall neatly into place. If I look for these things, I will find them. If I work for a smooth transition, I am likely to have one. Change is often difficult. We can hate every minute of it and be no better off. Or, we can rise to the challenge and fake joyfulness until we feel the joy.

Painting Show: Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

St. Patrick’s Day fun! 20 minute variety show

If you missed my St. Patrick’s Day show last year, or would just like to see it again- here it is! Live painting (well, recorded obviously, but painting in real time instead of time lapse), silliness, singing, and surprises. HAPPY St. PATRICK’S DAY!

Losses

See oil painting “Come to the Garden” come alive in 2 minutes (time lapse)

Well, we’ve made some progress on decision making after yesterday’s shocking news. Talking with a mortgage officer put some numbers into our heads. There’s good news and bad news. The good news is, after my husband graduates and starts his job, we should be able to qualify for the mortgage range we were hoping for and can start house hunting! The bad news is that we have to vacate this house in about two months and that’s not enough time for him to graduate at the end of this term, take his licensing exam, and start work. We’ll miss the move-out date by two or three months.

Qualifying for a mortgage ahead his job would require a lot of hoops that are discouraging, and would involve a co-signer, higher interest rate, and other disappointing factors. We’d also have to find a house we’d like to make a big commitment to very quickly, from the few homes that are randomly available during this short time frame. So, I highly doubt we will try to push a door open that really isn’t ready yet.

We’re now looking at rental listings. It’s depressing to see how much more money we’ll be spending per month than our current rent. It’s not fun at all to look at the photos and imagine living in yet another place that isn’t ours, is temporary, and where I don’t want to be.

And, my garden! I used portable grow pots and containers, but even so, I can’t move the entire garden to a new location. I have many vegetables and annuals growing in many, many pots. It would be insane to spend a lot of money and physical labor to take them all. And I doubt a homeowner or housing association would be happy with my many, many grow bags. As it is, I don’t want to let go of my potted peach tree, evergreen trees, blueberry bush, grape vines, roses, etc. that are perennials. They are investments in our future.

My trees and flowers will one day flourish at our future new home (assuming they can handle all the moving), and we’ll have a history with these plants; it won’t feel like we don’t have any connection or memories in our new space. So, I’m committed to those and it’s already too much heavy lifting and quite an investment in moving plants- I can’t bring my whole garden! I spent weeks growing the garden and now I won’t get to see it through to harvest. I’ll be having a plant sale to try to recoup some of my losses and fund some of the move. I’ll sell pepper plants, zucchini, eggplant, cucumber, green beans, peas, watermelon and more.

I thought I was helping my family avoid rising food costs and potential shortages, and boosting our nutrition, but it seems I just invested many hours only to invest more hours trying to sell these plants. Sometimes it feels like life beats me down whenever I start to see progress. But the truth is, I did enjoy planting the garden, even though it was work. It gave me a reason to be outside and get exercise. For part of that time, my daughter helped me and we spent good time together. On other occasions my family took my garden “tour” and we ID’d the plants by their seedlings. I did make memories doing this, and I’ve learned how to grow a large garden. I can do it again someday.

But not next season, because we’ll likely be moving again- to our own home! We’ll finally be home again after many years of transitional temporary living. “Temporary” turned out to be a semi-permanent condition. I’m a completely different person from who I was at the start of this. I prefer the new me.

I do wish we’d been able to stay here until next spring, instead of having to move again, but we will get through this. I don’t look forward to the move though, and I dread that first night in the next rental house, when I don’t feel like I’m home. Tossing and turning, smelling unfamiliar smells, possibly having asthma or allergy reactions, jumping at the strange sounds, and feeling disoriented about where things are in the dark- waking up throughout the night, remembering that I’m somewhere new, and wishing I wasn’t.

I will adjust eventually, and then adjust again when we move again. I’ve been through far worse than this. There were times when I wasn’t sure if we’d have any place to go. And there were times when I grieved so bad that I couldn’t imagine ever feeling that life would ever feel good again. Besides my past experiences, world events are incredibly dark and oppressive- my personal struggles are trivial in comparison. This is not a big crisis, and with the right attitude I’ll make the most of it. I will attack each day with positive energy, and even feel excited by the challenge. New adventures are good for us!

But right now, I’m tired from a long day. I’m sad I’m losing my vegetable garden, and other losses (things we can’t bring with us, more money spent on rent, deposit, the cost of moving twice, and more). I’m worried about how this will all come together, and how my family will adjust. Most of all, I just want to be home.

When things like this happen, even if the world is falling apart and others have worse problems, our struggles matter. Even if our past selves had bigger crises, this moment also matters. So I’ll give myself permission to feel disappointed with how things are going. On a happier note, I’m nearly finished with the dress I was making for the Easter show. I bought the basic layer and then built the dress up into an original creation- you’ll see! The show must go on. I’m looking forward to how the troubles of the day are forgotten while painting and singing.

Shocking News

See oil painting “Road Unseen” come alive in under 2 minutes (time lapse)

The story behind this painting is on the “Road Unseen” page. There are times in life when we don’t know what’s on the road ahead. Today we found out that the person who owns this house has decided to sell it and won’t renew the lease. So, we have to move out in about two months. We were not expecting this, as we won’t be ready to buy a house until next year at the earliest. You might remember that after job loss (the company he worked for moved out of the country) my husband went back to school for a new career? He graduates in June, but we must vacate before then. We were so close to the end of this journey, yet didn’t quite make it and now we’re in a sticky situation to find a four bedroom house quickly.

We not only have to figure out housing, but we only have a short time to pack up five years’ of living in this house and move. I am shocked by this sudden turn of events and I have no idea how this will turn out for us. I will have to put certain things on hold work wise, like the new weekly show I had already postponed- now it will be postponed even longer. It involved a green screen, you might remember? I had tested it out. But, today I took the green screen down and I’ll pack it up. I’m still doing the Easter show though, as I’m very close to taping that and it would be a shame to cancel it.

I’m still in shock over this. I have no idea what we’re going to do.

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

Watch oil painting “Pink Flower” come to life in 30 seconds

In the good news, bad news scheme of things, covering the garden plants was mostly successful in protecting them from frost damage. Some of my plants died though. I lost some bell peppers, eggplants and flowers (cosmos, morning glories, and moon flowers). Some of my grapes and roses have a bit of (survivable) damage.

Other flowers were thriving today, especially when the sun and warmth returned. It was mostly unpredictable which flowers would be “here today and gone tomorrow”, as all young seedlings are tender and vulnerable. Yet some lived to grow another day and will likely bloom in a few weeks, while others withered, and some died rather instantly.

This is a metaphor for us humans. We may not know who will be here today, and gone tomorrow- it may even be ourselves who don’t make it to grow and bloom. In the good news, bad news scheme of things, when we know that each day is precious and fleeting, we may be inspired to live as if time is short. We must grow and bloom before it’s too late.

Much of my life I thought I might die young like my dad, as so many people would tell me, “You’re just like your father.” But in this aspect I am not like him. I outlived his years on Earth a long time ago, yet I still live as if I could be gone tomorrow. I want to know that I’ve done everything I could to live a full life, with people I love, and in alignment with the purpose I was born for. I don’t make much time for people I don’t like, things I don’t like to do, or conforming to what’s expected. I do make time for what feels special to me, even if my faith, passion, and ideas don’t make sense to anyone else.

Let us be like the flowers. They don’t know how long they’re here, but they work each precious moment toward the day when they’ve grown into their beauty. May we be beautiful!

God bless you and your family. Peace be with you.

Losing Time

Watch oil painting “Time” come alive in 2 minutes (time lapse)

Daylight Savings Time is a horrible event that happens twice a year in many areas of the world. There is talk of abandoning this practice in the United States, and I hope that happens. I am one of those people who doesn’t need an alarm clock. I wake based on how the light feels. I usually wake up at the same time every morning regardless of an alarm set, except when the clocks are messed with. Then I wake up disoriented and miserable for about a week until my body resets itself with the new sun rising time.

I’m bent out of shape over this, and also disgruntled that I’ve lost a few of my flowers in the cold frost. We saved most of our garden by covering the plants. There’s one more frost warning tonight and I hope that the only losses are the flowers we lost overnight last night. There is some damage to my roses and a few other plants also, but I think those will bounce back.

At the end of the day, these are small issues. But we project our feelings about big issues onto small issues, and these things represent significant losses we can’t control. Losing time, losing life- these things hit home. Grief is all about losing time and losing life. It’s a hard journey. When relatively trivial events put us through a series of metaphorical losses, it’s easy for the mind, body, and spirit to associate the temporary misery with the more permanent kind.

So, if you too are feeling out of sorts and wishing for a happier day, take heart that this is a normal human condition. You are not alone. Stay strong and let the week unfold. God bless you and keep you, and give you peace.

Frozen!

See oil painting “Walking to Piano Lessons” come to life in under 2 minutes

Sharing my latest painting, as it is a snowy cold memory of living in Minnesota, which is how South Georgia felt today, if comparing this to a rather mild Minnesota day. Georgia can never be as cold as Minnesota, where it often drops below O Fahrenheit. I remember one frightening day when the temperature dropped to -25 F, -31 Celsius actual temperature, and that doesn’t even include the “real feel” wind chill factor! But, when our bodies are accustomed to warmer temperatures a sudden drop can feel miserable, like a bone-chilling flu has settled in. So, while Georgia isn’t “Minnesota” cold, it felt brutal today.

We had wind gusts of 35 miles per hour and a frost advisory is in effect until late morning. So I was out there with my daughter trying to clip plastic over our potted plants and garden. Much of our plants have already germinated and our beautiful peach tree has gorgeous pink flowers. Frost will damage our plants and might mean no harvest or a lackluster harvest. I think we’ve managed to save our trees, shrubs and edible garden plants, but I’ll know more in the morning.

I’m chilled and only very slowly warming up. It helped to have some tea, ironically it was peach tea, which is quite fitting since saving the peach tree is part of the reason why I needed the tea. The plastic was flapping in the wind, fighting against us as we tried to wrap the tree. The tree is much taller than I am so I rigged a telescopic “back scratcher” (novelty item, cost about $1, usually a stocking stuffer type of gift, looks like a tiny monkey hand or many a bear claw, so I call it my monkey claw and I use it to grab stuff) by tying one end of the plastic to the claw end and then we could extend our reach and pass the claw over the tree to the other person. My husband came home from work as my daughter and I were wrestling with this. He got the step stool, thinking he was doing the obvious, but nearly face planted off the step stool- quickly confirming why I didn’t do that. He’s fine, corrected himself before he fell. He found my improvised telescopic grabber useful after all. 🙂

What an adventure- reminds me of why we don’t want to live in places that have long brutal winters anymore. All it takes is one windy chilly day and I’m miserable. I do have wonderful memories of beautiful snowy days though, and the sense of accomplishment when surviving bitterly arctic environments. Perseverance is something to be proud of.